Today is my 34th Birthday.
I honestly don’t mind getting older. This could partly be due to the fact that I’ve never really looked my age. I was still regularly asked to provide ID when buying alcohol in the UK, I‘ve also been asked to prove I was over 16 to buy a lottery ticket when firmly in my 30s. So it really does make me question how the hell I was able to get into nightclubs at 15 years old and drink my body weight in cheap alchopops?
I certainly don’t feel my age. When I was younger, 34 seemed ancient. I think I’d imagined that when I was this old, I’d have a house, a husband and a family of my own. I have none of those.
Owning a house is never something I have strived for. When I was 9 years old my family home was repossessed and since that time Mum and I have lived in rented accommodation. We always had a roof over our head and that’s enough for me. Owning a home means I’m tied to that one place, and I’ve not found anywhere I love enough to make me want to do that yet.
I have a husband of sorts. Rob and I aren’t married and don’t think we ever will be, but we’re as good as. I honestly don’t want to get married. That’s not in a ‘oh he just hasn’t asked me yet’ way. If I really wanted to get married I’d just ask him. I couldn’t give a sh*t about tradition.
It’s not the being married that bothers or scares me; it’s the getting married. When we think about a wedding, we just look at how long could we go travelling for with that money? Why spend money on one day of fuss when you can travel for a long time?
So you see marriage really isn’t for us.
Don’t freak out!
Family, now this is something that plays on my mind. Getting older means that my biological clock is ticking. Hopefully my ovaries still look as young as my face.
For many years I didn’t want children. I’d not met anyone that I wanted to have them with. I was brought up by a single mum and she did a great job, but it was tough task on her own. I want more for my children. I’d want them to have a mum and a dad. So meeting Rob changed this. I want to have children with Rob.
With this on my mind, I sat Rob down and with my serious face and voice in full effect I said,
‘Rob, don’t freak out….’
Longest pause in the world.
‘I’m getting broody.’
I thought he might start sweating profusely and run for the hills. He didn’t.
In fact, he looked at me with a big cheeky smile on his face and said, “God I thought you were dying or something serious”.
Phew it’s not just me who wants this.
I’m still very aware though that it’s my ‘bits’ that have the time limit set on them.
I’m an only child so I’m not officially an Aunty to anyone. Rob has 3 gorgeous nieces and 2 amazing nephews and I’ve muscled my way in with them. I’m Aunty Kel to lots of my friends beautiful children. But every time there is an announcement of pregnancy within my close friends, that broody feeling comes back again. Every time I hold a baby or hang out with a toddler, there it is.
Now isn’t the time though, we’re living this travel dream first, but time certainly isn’t on my side.
It worries me. Is living this dream going to stop me having a family?
In all honestly I don’t know. There are so many what ifs. I could spend all my time worrying about them. What I do know is that what will be will be.
The dream of travelling the world and having a family don’t fit well together right now. But I know there are people out there doing it. It’s not impossible.
I guess we could return home after travels and settle down, but that fills us both with an inner dread.
It seems like another epic challenge. That’s just life I guess, you can’t plan for everything….
Hopefully we will find a way of combining travel and children.
But right now it’s my birthday and all I really want is cake!!